Confessions of a Non-Saint

We returned Tuesday from a trip to New York to visit Alan and his family. We took my father, Tom's mother and his autistic sister. Now, most of you know that I am generally optimistic, patient, tolerant, and happy, not wanting to think ill of anyone or treat them unkindly in any way. I won't go into any details, but I was tested greatly in all these areas during our seven days of travel (that includes the day before and the day after our flights). By the time we were getting on the last leg of our flight TO New York, I was having to bite my tongue so much that it's suprising I still had a tongue to bite! As we were approaching Albany the flight attendant approached me and bent over and whispered to me, "I want you to know you're incredible!" I was surprised! This flight attendant could not have known all the thoughts I had had, including during the first ten minutes on the plane as it was being loaded, when I determined I was going to write to the airline and register a complaint against this attendant. I had softened toward her as I observed her over the course of the two hours of delay we experienced while waiting in the plane for take-off, and how she handled herself and the passengers during the flight. My dad and I had joked with her when things were really tense during the long wait, and that helped, I think, but I really don't know why she thought I was incredible. She did have a good view of me and knew how I was responding to the needs of my in-laws and my dad, but I can't think of anything I did that would have made her think good of me. And I felt so guilty because I had had unkind feelings toward her at the beginning of the trip. Not saintly behavior!

I had to pray continually through our time in New York that I could have patience and be able to refrain from saying anything unkind to or about anyone in particular. My treatment of others was pretty good, I think, in spite of myself, but I had trouble with the "saying anything unkind about" anyone. I vented too often and I kicked myself every time. My attitude toward others could very well have affected other people's attitudes, too, and I am ashamed of that. When Pat, my friend and my daughter-in-law's mother, told me the day we were leaving that I was a "saint," I felt guilty again! Jessica tried to give me the confidence that it's alright to THINK thoughts you don't want to express out loud, and I appreciated her efforts to make me feel better about myself. But I think that a "saint" wouldn't have let anyone know she/he was even bothered by a situation in the first place.

There was a time in my life, a few generations ago, when it could have been said of me that I never said an unkind thing about anyone. In fact, I heard someone say once that if "Edna heard someone say something unkind about someone then she would hurry to say something good about that same person." But it's not so any longer. At my funeral they won't be able to say "She never sad a bad thing about anyone." Sigh. Even when I determine to start fresh and become that person who never complains, I fail after awhile.

So, there it is, out in the open: I am not a saint! All I am is someone with tooth marks on my tongue for trying unsuccessfully to be one. But I will give myself credit for not giving any details about any one in particular whose behavior made me bite my tongue in the first place!